Mist

It just looks so far away and you try to reach out and grab it but you can never do it, never do it.

And you want to squint and see if its that shadowy figure that you've waited half your life to see, but no, not as you sing "Sun King" in your head and try to pretend you are in a dream. There is no figment of your imagination, only the driveway of your neighbor.

Things like that don't happen around here, not ever. Not ever.
Misty sounds like the name of a pornstar. That kind of ruins the romance, doesn't it?

But yet we all hold mist in our hearts, letting it collect into droplets and drip down slowly, making our toes cold. Drip, drip, drip, drip.

I'm not saying romance is dead. It's only becoming heavy and dropping to the asphalt, in fat drops.

Connecting for Change

At a conference I went to in New Bedford, I listened to a man talk about opening numerous state-of-the-art centers for "giving poor people a chance". Though I would hesitate to group "poor people" into a singular category of mindset or circumstance, it is an inspirational idea to me to enhance the educational chances of humans, especially children, so that they may use the power of their minds to become happier and successful people, in whatever they deem happiness and success to be. Like the story of instead of giving a person a fish, to teach a person to fish. I think that is an idea of what to do in my life.

永訣の朝/ The Morning of the Final Farewell

 By Miyazawa Kenji

けふのうちに
とほくへいってしまふわたくしのいもうとよ
みぞれがふっておもてはへんにあかるいのだ
（あめゆじゅとてちてけんじゃ）
うすあかくいっさう陰惨〔いんさん〕な雲から
みぞれはびちょびちょふってくる
（あめゆじゅとてちてけんじゃ）
青い蓴菜〔じゅんさい〕のもやうのついた
これらふたつのかけた陶椀〔たうわん〕に
おまへがたべるあめゆきをとらうとして
わたくしはまがったてっぽうだまのやうに
このくらいみぞれのなかに飛びだした
　　　（あめゆじゅとてちてけんじゃ）
蒼鉛〔さうえん〕いろの暗い雲から
みぞれはびちょびちょ沈んでくる
ああとし子
死ぬといふいまごろになって
わたくしをいっしゃうあかるくするために
こんなさっぱりした雪のひとわんを
おまへはわたくしにたのんだのだ
ありがたうわたくしのけなげないもうとよ
わたくしもまっすぐにすすんでいくから
　　　（あめゆじゅとてちてけんじゃ）
はげしいはげしい熱やあえぎのあひだから
おまへはわたくしにたのんだのだ
　銀河や太陽、気圏などとよばれたせかいの
そらからおちた雪のさいごのひとわんを……
…ふたきれのみかげせきざいに
みぞれはさびしくたまってゐる
わたくしはそのうへにあぶなくたち
雪と水とのまっしろな二相系〔にさうけい〕をたもち
すきとほるつめたい雫にみちた
このつややかな松のえだから
わたくしのやさしいいもうとの
さいごのたべものをもらっていかう
わたしたちがいっしょにそだってきたあひだ
みなれたちゃわんのこの藍のもやうにも
もうけふおまへはわかれてしまふ
（Ora Orade Shitori egumo）
ほんたうにけふおまへはわかれてしまふ
あああのとざされた病室の
くらいびゃうぶやかやのなかに
やさしくあをじろく燃えてゐる
わたくしのけなげないもうとよ
この雪はどこをえらばうにも
あんまりどこもまっしろなのだ
あんなおそろしいみだれたそらから
このうつくしい雪がきたのだ
　　　（うまれでくるたて
　　　　こんどはこたにわりやのごとばかりで
　　　　くるしまなあよにうまれてくる)
おまへがたべるこのふたわんのゆきに
わたくしはいまこころからいのる
どうかこれが天上のアイスクリームになって
おまへとみんなとに聖い資糧をもたらすやうに
わたくしのすべてのさいはひをかけてねがふ

My little sister,
About to depart to a place far beyond before the day is out.
The sleet has fallen outside, and it's oddly bright.
(Give me some slush will you Kenj'ya.）
From the clouds of pale-red, that is all the more bleak,
The sleet comes a-dripping and a-drizzling down
(Give me some slush will you Kenj'ya.）
Gathering the sleet snow for you to nibble on,
Inside two chipped porcelain bowls with
The junsai plant painted blue,
I, like a stray bullet,
Darted out into the dark of the falling sleet.

(Give me some slush will you Kenj'ya.）
From the bismuth-colored dark clouds,
The sleet comes a-dripping and a-drizzling down.
Oh Toshiko,
At a time like this,
When you're on the brink of death,
You have asked me for a scoop-full of refreshing snow,
Thank you, my little sister, so giving and brave,
I too will continue ahead straight onward.
(Give me some slush will you Kenj'ya.）
In between the oh-so violent fevers and gasping,
You asked me to get
The last bowlful of snow, descended from the skies,
The realm of galaxies and suns and atmospheres...
.. Upon two quarry-blocks of granite,
where the sleet is lonesomely deposited,
I perched upon it precariously.
And from the glistening pine-boughs
Filled with cold transparent beads that maintain
The hoar-white, two-phase equilibrium betwixt snow and water,
I shall take away the last food for my little sister.
The indigo-colored patterns on the familiar bowls that
We grew up with,
You'll be parted from them too, after today.
(Ora Orade Shitori egumo [I'll just go off on my own I will])

It's true, you really are departing from us today,
Oh, within the enclosure of the patient's room,
On the other side of the dark folding-screen and mosquito nets,
You are burning away with pale blue light,
My little sister, so brave.
This snow is so awfully pure-white, wherever you might choose.
From those frightful, rolling skies,
This beautiful snow has come.
  (I'm gonna be born again, and
    next time, I'll make sure everything won't be so bad
      I hurt so much all the time.)

To those two bowlfuls of snow you're eating,
I will now pray, from my heart.
Oh may this snow now turn into a heavenly ice cream
Providing you and everyone holy sustenance.
This I pray with all the ability I can muster.

What are the ethics of homelessness?

It's not good to give hobos money. That's what we've been told, that is the protocol. I am supposed to feel guilty at losing $2 for giving a man some money he is inevitably going to spend on drugs and alcohol. But who am I to deny some of his lifetime if I refuse? He will just get that same money from someone else, and he will have the same exact outcome. This sounds like an argument against, but what if giving this money made you feel good? You have the illusion that you are helping someone in some small way and you think you are better because of it. Is this wrong, to think in this selfish way? What if I told you all charity you ever do is really to benefit yourself to make yourself feel good and worth something and busy? Could you deny it?

Natural n free

I went to Niagra falls yesterday and bathed in the waters as it came down, and I was so amazed by its awesomeness (used in the sense of awe-inspiring) and at how insignificant and tiny I am compared to the overwhelming supreme being which is nature. I realized long ago with disappointment that I have never really held a conversation with nature at all, for I have never been left alone with it for any longer than probably 10 minutes. Always another human, always another car burping by. I don't want to lose contact with it, because without nature what sort of reality would I really have? I can't help but think that my ethics and self would be somehow distorted, as if nature is what keeps me myself.

The Purity Myth

My problem with the idea of virginity has already been stated by many different people from many sources. Without getting too preachy, the reason why I don't agree with the idea that you can "give away" something when you have sex for the first time is because it gives too much value to a person's character and how they are percieved, it promotes sexism and also excludes any other sexuality other than heterosexuality. Even though this is already what I think, its fascinating to find in a book that I skimmed, The Purity Myth, that these ideas are backed up by history and modern politics. Both the history behind the tradition of a father walking down the aisle with the bride (handing the virgin off to another man's ownership), and the effects of federal laws on national sex education that don't necessarily prevent or ban untrue medical "facts" or made up statistics. I didn't particularly enjoy the book for all the immature sarcasm and generalizations of christians or conservatives it made, but I took away from it the idea that its always in ones best interest to be aware of why traditions or norms are the way they are: They could have some not-so-humble origins.

The Boston Skyline

I need no one to tell me how stupid Junior Harbor Cruise is. "Oh, pay 70 bucks for 3 hours of being stuck on a boat with people you hate? No thanks", is what they say. But if you go past the pretending to detest every single one of your classmates, there is something inheritely awesome about seeing them out of the usual context. Wait, these people are human?! Yes, yes they are and they can look pretty in their dresses and they can cluster in huddles with their bros to reinforce the fact that they belong somewhere, but that can't mask the fact that they all have complex lives that I know I will never know. Their memories, precious stories, the things that make them who they are, amazed me so in its potential overflowing capacity. But it was really when I looked at the Boston city skyline at night that it hit me with full force. I saw all the lights that were moving and blinking, and then I saw the hospital and the people shuffling inside under the fluorescent glare and I cried. I shed tears of shock. These people, shuffling about, didn't know that I was watching them and they would never know. I felt like a miniature god, watching all the interactions of thousands within the vision of my mind, the overwhelming intensity and enormity of every action, thought, murmur encapsulated in front of me.

My friend sent me the definition to this feeling:
Sonder.

Scarlet Begonias

I never realized one of my favorite Sublime songs was actually originally a Grateful Dead song. Recently I've been more interested in Pink Floyd and the Doors and now the Grateful Dead for all there music that makes me have feels (am I a Dead Head yet???????)

"She had rings on her fingers and bells on her shoes.
And I knew without askin she was into the blues.
She wore scarlet begonias tucked into her curls,
I knew right away she was not like other girls, other girls

...

Well there aint nothing wrong with the way she moves,
Scarlet begonias or a touch of the blues.
And there's nothing wrong with the look that's in her eyes"

But this is more my hot-n-gritty 90's in Miami style:

"A tie-tie-dyed dress , she was a psychedelic mess
We toured to the north, south, east and west
We sold some mushroom tea,
We sold some ecstasy,
We sold nitrous, opium, acid, heroin and PCP
And now I hear the police coming after me
Yes now I hear the police coming after me
The one scarlet with the flowers in her hair,
She's got the police coming after me"

YEAH SUBLIME STAY KOOL 4EVR

Sometimes i get art

Georges de la Tour is my new idol. Ironic, seeing as he is a fanatically christian painter and I just broke the 3rd amendment by having an idol...other than God...yeah that was a joke.

The light is so BEAUTIFUL. Just look at how the face of the young'n is illuminated and such a contrast against an old man against a midnight background. And all that the light hits are just shapes, yet our eyes fill in the rest of the space and we basically make up the scene in our own heads, guessing where the two are and what they are doing. Look at the hand!! It's a ghostly hand that cups the light source from actual view, as if la Tour is holding back a secret from his audience. Wow.

My Grandpa, Popfly

     He's a strange fellow. When I was little I thought he was the most clever soul on earth. He would always use cryptic little sayings as if to catch his grandchildren in their own confused contradictions. He would speak in riddles, always leaving a trail for us to figure out. He used to be a mystery to me, but in a way that filled my child's-mind with wonder and admiration.
      A year and a half ago, my 70-year old Popfly was getting divorced from Grandma Jane. I only learned the truth that summer, something that my parents had tried to keep from my not-yet-jaded knowlege. He had cheated on Jane with a mysterious woman from Israel, and now he was going to live with her. He was not sorry, for he was a proud man. But I was not proud of him. I was almost more angry with the fact that he would never apologize for his stupidity than for the fact that he ruined many relationships other than his. I no longer can talk to Jane's side of the family without the strain of knowing that his shadow loomed from the back of my eyes and haunted them.
     He doesn't know all of my anger. He only thinks I will love him unconditionally, as my parents had relied on me to do. But love is a hard thing. Trying to find trust in a person who you thought you knew, only to have them fall from your carefully constructed pedestal, is something that takes strength. And right now, I can't seem to find that power in me, no matter where I have looked for the past one and a half years.

Brilliance

I should exist in graveyards more often.

light savings

my thigh is turning to butter
please, understand my
smile in the dark.
fuck society, i may say
jokingly-- but you know
where there is still
Grief in that sound
of hollow, chittering laughter.
i want to cry out and
glimpse into your own
longings.

Teenagedom Nostalgia

Watching all of these movies/T.V. shows in the same couple months turned me into a real teenager.

Dazed and Confused: Set in the seventies, different groups of teenagers get crossfaded on the first day of their junior and senior summer, as the freshmen get drunk for the first time. In the midst of all of this, everyone is trying to find some meaning in what is to become of what other call their "wasting" lives.

I love this movie a lot. It's so good for me because I can relate to the overall sense of groups of young people just not having any idea of where they are going or what they are doing in life, and coping with that big unknown. There's excitement, lust, boredom, fear. But the nice part about it is that the movie features groups of friends who go through this sense of meaninglessness together. It reminds me of the friends I have in real life, how I struggle with them to be myself and such.

My So-Called Life: Angela is a sophomore in the 90's who befriends the school BADASSES. These are the people who, as my friend would say, "don't give two shits about stupid-ass whales". She learns all sorts of teenage realities--ya know what I'm talking about. Also she she is beautiful and annoyingly pretends to be ugly and finds a dreamy man/boy.

This probably gets an 8 out of 10 on the chick-flick scale (1 being Jackass 3 and 10 being Are You There, God? It's Me, Margaret), but there is still appreciation to be had for the way it accurately portrays the effect of the constant stench of suburbia that intoxicates high schoolers every day. You all have your little sheltered islands of home and school and maybe others, but what can a Junior do but to complain about their studying all the time? It's not like we can just pack up our bags and go hike the Appalachian Trail (or maybe that's a possibility, weather-permitting). But I feel like once I leave my small town and discover a BIG NEW WORLD I will look back on these years of teenage torture with loving sympathy for my foolish little 17-year old self.

Freaks and Geeks: Also from the 90's, a senior girl, Lindsay, tries to fit into a new stoner persona while also trying to fit in mathlete competitions while she's not getting high or going to parties with her new hip friends...yeah somehow that works. "OMG I'm so cool when I wear my dad's army jacket and James Franco is my best friend and sometimes Jason Segel is my boyfriend!!! Also when school gets out instead of going to a summit for genius kids I'm gonna rebel and go on a road trip in a hippie van with my new frendz to follow the Grateful Dead on their summer tour!" is what I think Lindsay is thinking.

My favorite moment in this short series is when Lindsay throws a party and her younger brother replaces all the kegs with non-alcoholic beer... It's so inspirational to throw my own non-beer party!! Wouldn't it be so hilarious to watch all the peeples stumble around while you have the secret satisfaction of knowing that they are all stone-cold sober? Definitely a social experiment.

A somewhat angry rant

Why is sexism cool? It would be shameful for anyone accused to be a racist, yet to be sexist is borderline encouraged, especially for teenage boys who feel the pressure of having to feel manly in front of others. Real men would make girls their bitches and hoes, they say.
I am mad because some of my guy friends like to suggest that its normal and expected for girls to regularly give blowjobs while its considered "disgusting" for guys to go down on girls. Double-standard much? Let me give you some other examples: guys pressure girls to swallow cum ("spitters are quitters"), yet somehow they forget that girls may find that the most unpleasant task in the world, and see it as a chore. Why should women have to feel that way, as if its always about pleasing a man?? Another example would be of women having to shave all the time for fear of being labeled "unclean" or "hippies", as if to not shave makes a girl dirty. So why aren't men considered dirty, and furthermore why are they encouraged to have more hair while women have to spend the time, effort and MONEY to please others. Its fine if one wants to shave, but its not fine when a girl feels the need to be hairless in order to not be considered 'dirty' or unclean. These atrocious double-standards make me so mad because sex is not something often talked about in 'civilized' society, so there is more of the traditional sexist views left in the dust of a supposedly modern and equal world. It's so not cool!!!!!! But I feel like I'm talking to an empty crowd.
Even while writing this I feel like I will be written off as a crazy, radical, butch/lesbian, overly-feminist, cat-lady bitch, but that's the point that makes me sad and mad. People should open their eyes to this overt gap between respect towards males and females, instead of blaming these kinds of rants for making ridiculous and uncomfortable arguements.

Okay, peace.

A good and short poem

Taking a Walk in the Woods After Having Taken a Walk in the Woods with You by Maureen N. McLane

Now I cannot not see
the blight everywhere

People reviews 1

Some good, bad, and uglies:

Ms. Vakati-- What a mystery. Here she is, treating you as her slave and drilling chemistry into your head with her signature grimace, and then as soon as the bell rings BOOM magical smile on her face and a sweet "have a great weekend guys!". Plus: a good teacher. Minus: makes me do chemistry. I give her 2 stars.

The fat man from Lost-- A great comedic relief from the otherwise weird-ass pilot, the fat guy reigns supreme in giving me and my friend Andrew ample chances to ridicule the show. "Oh, of course the fat one is given the job of parceling out the food". Plus: he's a fat dude with a friendly face. Minus: he has little-to-no personality. I give him 3 stars.

The hypnotizer-- he hypnotized some of my classmates on Thursday night. He made them dance the tango and feel something poke their butts. He also had a Native American ponytail going down his back. Fucking cascading down his purple-shirted back. He also made my friend Anju fall in love with him. Plus: he gave me a funny Thursday night and I lost my breath from laughing. Minus: his powers should be illegal. I give him 4 stars.

Some things

Lately I've decided that's acceptable to be horny, etc. and I decided that's okay, okay?!?! Hence I'm gonna do what I want when I want to.

Let me tell you a story of why I feel like I am missing a relationship in my life and why the above tangent goes with that sort of:

My view on romantic relationships were taught to me starting in 5th grade, the last day to be specific. Everyone had gotten together because we were supposed to be, like, GOING OUT or something so every little boy who could swallow his nervous-spit would be programmed to ask a suitable girl to hang out after school. Welllllllll, I was probably not considered a suitable girl seeing as I spent my recesses crocheting with the yarn in my pocket behind a tree in the corner of the playground. I was a little weird. lol.
AND THEN 6th grade, aka the end of my childhood, came along, and I drowned. I got my first bully (whoopie!!!) and I also never got my first boy friend. Looking back this was great because I never had that 6th grade what-to-do-on-the-half-day stress, but at the time I felt like I was messing up something that was supposed to have happened to me already, as I heard about all my classmates kissing and 1st base/2nd/3rd/HOMERUN (jk my innocent ears never heard the home run). So, how could I possibly not feel undeserving and like I was missing something everyone else had? It was definitely my glasses, or my flat chest, or my braces, or my un-seductive ways, I always assumed it was my shortcomings which disgusted others.
In high school there came a point when I realized I had to stop wishing for a boyfriend when I blew out my birthday candles every birthday. There ARE things that are more worth thinking about. And it kind of helps to have awesome and nice friends. iM lUcKy!!

But even now, when I can sort of embrace that "imma strong black woman who don't need no man" mentality, its because I have to in order to not feel like a leper. I'M NOT A LEPER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(just some nice reinforcement exercises).

So moral of the story: when you feel lonely, its ok to want to also have sex.
Also its ok to just want to have sex all the time. That is what my friend Bri taught me.

Response: When They Don't Love You Back

http://thoughtcatalog.com/2013/when-they-dont-love-you-back/

Let's say I'm an emotional person. I kind of need other people to be happy in order to be happy myself. Does that make me a leech? I feel undesirable.
Always trying to please others who don't want to be pleased by me--
This afternoon I realized I had made a mistake in front of two guys, X and Y. They left the room, and I choked on my own foolishness by the window. My heart was so, so heavy from that one spur of the moment decision, and I wondered how anyone could live when one could regret so much from one action.
Obviously I can't really consider them friends if I am so terrified of making a mistake and looking bad and envisioning them stabbing me into oblivion with their secret words as they walk down the hall away from me...but I like them and I want them to like me. Is that clingy?

I'm a human after all, you could say, but it seems to me I'm a little more feeling than most.

Someone hug me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Junior Year: Staying Positive

Nothing is worse to see in myself than being a pessimist. But its so hard to pressure yourself to be happy. So let's be genuine:

i love my young, troubled sister
rosie's soft, short hair
the rain against the roof
my father's clothes
bri's sexual guidance
listening to music and not knowing the artist
painting for shitz
the first bite of brownie
seeing other people's boobs
having a bronze stomach
watching consecutive episodes of a 90's show
70's clothing
wearing glasses before bed
hugs from boys
ice cream on wednesdays
singing softly to myself
watching people kiss
dancing my own dance moves
humid summer evenings
salty hair
reading back in my diary
getting rides from friends
understanding